THOUGHTS

Here as in Heaven

Lovely night. Start of a new semester in University, really looking forward to graduating soon. Only one year left to go. Today was the first day of Chi Alpha small groups. We had a great time in communion, had snacks and got to know each other a little more. They came to the town home and enjoyed the comfort of this place, all thanks to my roommate, her candles and the vibe that she made this place have. I started off a little worried, and a little nervous but ultimately there was nothing to be worried about. My roommates were respectful and kind to them, we were able to spend time with God without any major distractions or interruptions. I was worried about their cars, because parking in the lofts is very limited but luckily no one got their cars towed.

I am very excited to be a leader this semester. I do not want to let them, or myself or God down. I have high expectations for myself, but I also desire to do my best and be a big help to the other leaders of Chi Alpha. I know I can do this, I have so many ideas but first I would like to go along for the ride some more, and have a little input and help but not really take over any projects. I think God is still equipping me because I do not feel ready to lead someone. Even though I am not equipped, God equips me, because he gives me the courage and strength to work on his behalf. Not that he needs me, but that he loves me and is trusting me with a portion. I want to be like the men in the story that invest the money they receive and actually have a harvest twice the size for when they’re master came back.

Lord may your will be done, give me the words to speak, and teach me what I need to know to be a great leader. Help me to genuinely care for the people you place in my path, to feel for them, remember them, and pray for them when they need it. Help me to be the Iron that sharpens them as you sharpen me. Teach me more so I can teach them more, and may I continue to be excited about these moments you bring before me. Lord we do this all for your glory, and for relationship with you. Because we love you and understand the dire need of the world to have a savior, we must first learn, and experience the joy and hope you have for us, so we can joyfully talk about it to others. God do not let us forget that we are doing this for your glory, to further your gospel, and your reach, and not to further our opinions, or thoughts.

Memory Lane . If only I knew what the future holds

Drafted 4 moths ago, and just writing my heart out. I felt like this often but thankfully now I can say i feel better, more in control of my life, and like God is sitting right next to me pulling me forward. I am happier than I was a few months ago, and so I am really grateful to be able to look back and see that I was so lost just a few months ago and already God has given me a hope to hold on to….

 

If only I knew what the future holds.

I wish and hope and pray  that a lot of good and fortune would come. But honestly I’m afraid.

I fear trying because I am afraid to fail. I need to remember that not trying is worse than failure. Continue reading

Wives submitting to husbands (video reply)

So I was watching a video online about Kirk Cameron saying wives should be submissive to their husbands, and another one about the full house star Candace Cameron Bure and how she said she is submissive to her husband. And the The Young Turks on YouTube completely dissected this Biblical idea of women being submissive to their husbands. I love watching this show because they always bring up good ideas, and questions. But on this video I had to leave my comment because I believe they are seeing submission as the negative submission, like a slave to a master or a maid to a boss. But not at all, this submission that the bible refers to is mutual respect of ideas and more. I wrote out a comment and if you read through it all please let me know what you think … THANK YOU 🙂

First , Here are the videos if you want to see them..

I know it’s a lot.. please read.. It’s not like that at all . wives submit to husbands THE WAY YOU SUBMIT TO THE LORD and husbands LOVE YOUR WIVES respect your wives JUST AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH.. and how did christ love the church? He died for us so that we may live, and he lives for us so that we can be free of sin and death and live our destiny in him, in goodness and love.. it is not one-sided “yes sir” we don’t submit to god saying yes sir.. we talk to god and tell him the desires in our heart and he listens and makes a way for us, and we listen to his guidance because he knows what is right for us, because he knows our HEARTS, AND OUR SPIRIT AND WHO WE REALLY ARE, his plans are always to prosper and not to harm us, and to make us victorious in him because he loves us and desires us to be happy in our full potential as children of GOD the creator of heaven and earth, and everything you know.. This passage is an addition to marriages, how you’re supposed to treat a marriage WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE THE CHARACTERISTICS OF THE HOLY SPIRIT IN YOU: LOVE, PEACE, GOODNESS, KINDNESS, FAITHFULNESS, HOLYNESS, SELF CONTROL, JOY, GENTLENESS ETC. (Gal 5:22)

 

It’s a command to both husband and wives to respect each other, listen to each other, submit to eachother, work together when making decisions, and a wife tells her husband how she feels, and what she wants .. and the husband is supposed to respect her, love her the way Christ loves us, and support her.. submission is showing respect to eachother NOT THE WORDLY SUBMISSION WHICH HAS A STIGMA ATTACHED TO IT, ALMOST LIKE A SLAVE/ MAID/ OBEDIENCE IN EVERYTHING.. NOT THAT AT ALL.. it is assumed that a woman waited for God’s guidance in finding her husband and so his heart will be for her and her heart will be for him, but since we are sinful people we get selfish and want whatever we want and that’s how some marriages end, and god is just laying out some guidelines to make every GOD CENTERED marriage work. And though it does not say MEN be submissive to your wife, it does give other commands which in order to be fulfilled a husband has to also submit to what his wife desires, so they submit to eachother, love eachother equally because they are one, and treat eachother the way they would treat themselves.

And yes Husbands have the final final say in decisions that they can’t come into agreement with, just because someone has to have the final say of what they’re going to do, and the husband is the head of the household. And the command is for wives to be submissive .. ,but he doesn’t just decide no or yes… as a christ centered marriage and as head of household he goes and talks to god/ prays and God will guide them both..And the husband is commanded to love her so much that he will do what is best for her, no matter what. and the only decision he’ll say no to ,, is if he sees a better way or if it will hurt his other half in some way.

BIBLE VERSES:

Ephesians 5: 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands AS YOU DO TO THE LORD. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I know why…

Why am I here?

Why do i matter?

Who says anything matters..

Im going through a time where I honestly feel like I don’t want to be here. I say that to myself often. I would never commit suicide or anything. I’m not unhappy, I just don’t understand sometimes.

I try to push it away by saying, “God has a reason for everything, he has a plan, he is taking care of us.” All which I believe with all my heart, I just do not know his plan yet and sometimes I forget those reasons.

If it were up to me I would choose to not be on this earth, like never created.

Truthfully I am afraid of the future.

I hate the way this world is, the way some people are, cold hearted and really only care about themselves and what they want. And I only imagine things getting worst. What I see matters to this world is basically status and money. In order to live an okay life you need money, but you’ll have to deal with the stress that comes with it, like spending all our waking hours working.

One way or another you have to work.

School is work, networking is work, building a resume is work, keeping a routine is work. Work causes stress when you add pressure. And most people have the pressure of NEEDING to work to live a comfortable life, not choosing to work.

I believe this is what stresses me out. I’m only 21, I’m not set to choose if I want to work or not. The government says I have to work,  I have to pay bills, and if I want to have a place to live, eat, or wear something decent, I have to work, Otherwise we have the option to be homeless- tough choice.

Was I really born to wake up everyday to go to school, to work, and to sleep and do it again over and over and in between to fill time, find some meaningless entertainment, like a movie that I would’t even remember in a month.. I highly doubt it.

Everyone wants to be safe, happy, loved, peaceful, joyful, energetic and basically alive with no worries.

As I put things into perspective, I notice that I am really pressured. Pressured to keep up with time, to behave a certain way, to conform to societies ways, to have an education if I ever want to make it anywhere (even to help people you need a piece of paper with stamps and a signature), I have to work because I need to pay for that education, — Stress. I cant get a great job until I get an education, and I cant get a good education until I get a great job.

I can’t buy a house until I get a great job and great credit, and Its hard to get a great job if I dont have a great education. And great credit comes when you are willing to spend and then pay them back with interest.

This system sucks, it works like a trap, the government is cruel, and the police force isn’t all serving and protecting the way they are suppossed to.

I hear stories about people getting killed all the time, stories of people trusting the police and becoming a victim instead.

I believe we have a false sense of freedom. When you try to be dfferent and speak up, you can get killed, shut down, shoved into a prison, who knows…  disorder is disliked.

I say why was I born, and why am I still here..

I can really only answer that in one way.

Jesus.

He is the way, the truth and the life.

you ever heard “The truth will set you free”? Well Jesus is the truth.

The only thing that can truly set me free is Jesus.

So he gives me hope and stregnth, and love, and joy, and peace all over again even when this world is terrible, the bright light in him restores hope to people everyday.

I know why I am here; I matter because God created me the way I am, with a purpose and a plan.

  • Jeremiah 1:5, NIV Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.
  • Revelation 4:11, NKJV You are worthy, O Lord, To receive glory and honor and power; For You created all things, And by Your will they exist and were created.
  • Matthew 37-39, ESV And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
  • Matthew 5:16, NIV Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.
  • Ecclesiastes 12:13, ESV The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.Micah 6:8, ESV He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?
  • Psalm 86:12, ESV I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever.
  • Jeremiah 29:11, NIV For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.tells me so.. 

HASSLE TO MASSACHUSETTS

So I had a rough time on my way to Massachusetts.

I had been planning to go to Massachusetts since last week. I even took a break from work to travel over there. I really had to see my family.

The last time I went, I decided to travel with a low key company that drives people from door to door.

It was pretty convenient. It didn’t have much space, nor top quality traveling conditions but It did have air conditioning, and I was willing to make the trip with them. I mean they were pretty cheap and door to door.

The first time they got me where I needed to go and back in perfect timing with no hassles; but Saturday– Saturday I was stressed.

For some reason things weren’t going well. I was supposed to leave at 10 AM, and then 2, and 6 and then 10 pm.

I called the day before and scheduled my pick up. I went shopping and had a really late night packing and organizing everything. I ended up going to sleep around 5AM to then wake up at 8AM. They told me to be ready by 8:30. And I was. I was sleep deprived, barely could muster two coherent thoughts, and felt a little sick, but I was determined to make it to Massachusetts. So After I was done, I sat to play with my baby nephew because I am going to miss him, and I forgot that I didn’t have my phone in my pocket and that it was on vibrate.

That was my fault.

I was too sleepy to remember. I called and rescheduled for 2pm, they said be ready by 12:30am.

Okayy, So in the positive side I was able to take a longer nap. I even through up the water I had drank. My body wasn’t feeling too well from staying up.

I woke up at 12. After the nap I felt better, I could think better. My stomach still wasn’t feeling well though. It was like I was tooo full but I hadn’t ate anything only drinking water. So I thought maybe if I drink my smoothie I might feel better. I did, but not too much I couldn’t drink it all right away, I have been drinking it little by little the whole day. So I ate sea salted almonds, maybe the seasalt would help the water content. It didn’t.

So I went downstairs at 12:30 because I wanted wait outside, and I wanted some sun before going in the van.

I ended up waiting till 1:14 and then finally calling them because it seemed they forgot about me.

They told me that they called me and that the guy had left already and that he isn’t going to turn around, but that maybe they can send someone else and they’ll call me back.

So I waited outside. and waited, called my boyfriend on Skype and spent some online time with him. And still they hadn’t called. So I called them, and it was the same story, they came, called, and no one answered. But both these times I had no missed calls, voicemails, or anything.

I understand that this is low quality travel, but I don’t believe that they were trying to get in contact with me for real. I was standing outside with suitcases and no one saw me, and I didn’t see them, so I’m not sure if they were lying to me, or if there was a miscommunication going on.

I was told to come to their site because they weren’t going to send anyone else.

So I sat down and stood on Skype for a little longer. and then I picked up my luggage and headed for the train. NYC transit is a pain. I also noticed that there aren’t many gentleman anymore, everyone saw me struggling with 3 bags, and no one tried to help me go down or up the stairs.

When I got here the last van going to Mass. was scheduled for 6pm, and they weren’t there anymore when i got there at 5:45. The next one was leaving at 10 pm and only going to Providence, not even all the way where I needed to go, I actually began waiting until 8pm and my sister told me to use take a cab back home and go tomorrow in the first van.

At least they had free WIFI in the waiting area for all the time I waited there.

But that’s what I did, and I made sure to be awake at 4 am to leave at 4:30 am the next day and finally I got to Massachussets at 9am Sunday. It was a fun ride, and the day before it turned out there was a fire on the road where I needed t pass through, and they closed the road so I actually saved myself a bigger hassle.

Maybe God intended for things to go this way for a reason. IDK. It was a hassle, but at the same time it was kind of fun. I got to spend time with my family and boyfriend, and even time alone in this waiting area. And frankly, I ended up laughing, enjoying it and thanking God the day after.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuition

Great day.

I loved my 1st college, It was a Christian Private school, and they were a great community of people. I made friends there, and learned a lot of things. It was definitely a blessing at a time where I was totally clueless, and thought no college would ever accept me.

I’ve always had an issue with failure, I don’t like to fail. Applying to private colleges there was always a chance that no one would choose me, and it felt like setting myself up for failure.

(Even though I have been an honor student since elementary)

That always played a role when it came to applying to schools. The other part of the problem when applying was procrastination. I never applied to middle school, they chose me, high school, they chose me, and college, well they chose me also. I had to fill out an application, but I was pretty much guaranteed the position. It was an awesome feeling because I had heard great things about this college, and I wanted to be in there.

It was beautiful, the classes were awesome and I did learn a lot, they also had church services and prayer so it helped me in my faith.

But I had an issue that quickly became a problem, Tuition. It should have been explained a little better to me, and I should have prayed about it more before making a decision to get into the school. Unfortunately, I had to transfer because it was too expensive for me. I totally loved the classes and the people, and the praying, christian community that the school had, but why did it have to be soo expensive?.

So now here I am 2 years later paying tuition. My loans interest charges going up by the month, and a loan under my mothers name, which might mess with her credit if I don’t pay it soon. BAD

While in that school, I commuted, paying metro card fees, paying for expensive books, and I had to have extra classes that were required for the private school, which were not part of my major. Those credits did not transfer when I transferred. Out of my 31 credits only 15 were accepted. The student base was mostly made up of older adults, and I wanted to be in a school with a lot of clubs, and extracurricular activities, and they were lacking that. Now I am in a community college and in this college I got accepted into a program called ASAP that gives me monthly metro cards, pays for my books, and pays for whatever financial aid does not pay. It is so much of a blessing. I am in a dance club, and a bible study club.

So was it worth going to the other school? I am not sure. A great experience? Yes it was. Would I do it again? uhhh probably, but then want to transfer again.

I hate owing money, so now that I am in another college, and practically in it for free, I am trying to pay everything off. I do not want to have to deal with this after I graduate. I didn’t know that so much was accumulating, and how real it is to have a loan that is due for payments.

Today I am proud of myself.

I tackled part of my tuition! (insert balloons here) 1 down 2 more to go.

I paid my school the full amount, and now I can get my Official Transcript 🙂 I still have loans from the state that need to be paid, but are currently on forbearance.

Ladies and gentleman, please be very well informed before entering a school. Have a plan, and do not just go for the shiny parts of the school because you can get those first few core classes anywhere. Like an alternate, cheaper, community school where you can finish the core classes, and then transfer to whatever school you want to complete your major. If you’d rather go to the private school first, then do some research on scholarships, and programs that you might qualify for.

It is a major Save.

Love Larix3

Family Alter

            “This family meeting was called for a reason,” said my aunt Mari, ” everyone please take a seat, and quiet down the kids, please”
My aunt never spoke English, not that she could anyways, and I hardly speak Spanish but still I can hear the authority in her words when she spoke to all of my family. Already I was sitting quietly with my cousin Alina, watching as my mom, her two sisters and her older brother followed the orders of their older sister.
My cousin quiet down her younger brother and sister and my aunt started speaking again.
“Now there are some things that we need to clear up in this family, because there are too many rumors and ‘he says, she says’ getting in the way of our relationship-”
“Yes, and now that you’re here we can speak about those rumors” My aunt Luz interrupted. “because I want to get it out there that I didn’t say or do anything to hurt you or your daughter, you know I really loved your daughter and with any situation involving my son, your daughter, and anyone else, I never got involved.-“
“Okay, I’m going to get to that in second.”
“ah, okay, I was just saying.”
“- So as a family we’re supposed to be united. That means we can’t be one over here and one over there to then get together only when there’s drinking involved. Some people do not drink and we need to find time to find each other.”
I agreed with everything she said. Honestly, I had noticed that as well, my mothers’ side of the family likes to drink a lot. I always thought it was a mixture of their hurtful childhood and their stressful adulthood that leads them to their first few drinks, and after a while it just becomes like a sinful habit.
Unfortunately my mom is the youngest of her siblings, and her childhood was probably the worst, little by little I get stories out of her, about her past and so far what I know is that my grandmother had fourteen children and out of those fourteen children she had only abandoned my mother. Even though Mari and her oldest sister, Angelica, took her in, my mother couldn’t help herself but to feel abandoned. Which affects a lot of things in her life still to this day, as an adult, in her social life, in relationships, and even as a mother.
“Me being the way I am, which is a real family person, I have never liked it, and still do not like it, when the family is separated.” Mari said. She spoke with wisdom, my aunt, or so I thought at that moment. I could not have said that any better. And I was actually not expecting to hear something like that come out of my aunt’s mouth.
This aunt, I never really knew. In fact she didn’t even recognize me when my mother and I walked into the small apartment. We were coming from Sunday church service and she asked who was I and my mother had to tell her who my father was for her to remember.
I wasn’t surprised; I’m already used to the family being “separated”, as she said. Most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins, I hardly know. Like many families, we meet up during thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years, and ask many questions about each other’s life, catch up, get some family members addresses and phone numbers, drink, dance and party, and then do the same again next year.
But this aunt I don’t remember meeting, she spoke like if she was the oldest, but she was the middle child, and as soon as I met her though, I smiled, I was amazed at how much she looked like my mother, I mean they are sisters, but the similarities were unexpected. Her eyes, her skin, and her smile even her laughter reminded me of my mother.
“It really hurt me when my daughter was in her dying bed and she wouldn’t forgive her cousins for what they said about her. And I would tell her please, just call them and talk about it but she was so stubborn, angry and hurt that she was holding on to it still in her death bed.” At that point of the conversation I had no idea what she was talking about. I’m a part of the separated. So I had no idea we had family drama in my family. But I was quickly learning that we did, and not everyone was involved but everyone was affected.
“I was praying for my daughter and thank God, she got to speak to them before she died. And things were resolved with them after a while, but there’s still tension in the family and other rumors that need to be addressed.”
For the next half hour, they spoke and apologized to each other about the past and the present. She asked if anyone else had something to bring up, and my uncle, the only male in the room, hadn’t said anything at all, except “yeah, I agree.” They said he’s such a guy; he never has anything to say. They laughed and ate and were a very united family for the rest of the evening. My mother and all her sisters left together and then got on the bus together, something I never witnessed before. I started to see change already.
But my mind was stuck and enlightened as soon as she mentioned God. I began to realize why I was so amazed by my family having this meeting, why my aunt seemed to speak with such wisdom and authority. And why it really touched my heart to over here this conversation. I technically just met my aunt Mari, but the more she said the more I loved her. She opened up her heart to her family. She praised and thanked God for her family, and when the meeting was over we hung out for a little, then before we left she asked that we get in a circle and pray.
.. And pray.
Three of my aunts were God fearing women, and my mother and my aunt Luz, I believe, are starting to come around the corner, because their actually accepting to come to church with us on Sundays and not arguing when we want to read the Bible together  unlike other times.
I thought about how many times my sisters and I would go to church services that would talk about families being unbreakable, and how the family needs to create a family altar, praying and worshiping together, to stand strong in faith and in our relationship. We prayed for our family a lot, mostly our immediate family though. And God made a promise to us that he was going to save my mother.
            Now I feel like we had put limits on God a bit because we weren’t thinking about our entire family when we prayed. But in the bible I remember reading if someone in the family is called, then the entire family is called. And I was stunned and amazed at the fact that I was witnessing God’s promise being fulfilled. We had our first family alter in that living room on that Sunday morning after church. And I’m pretty sure there’s many more to come.

Day 01: Something you’re looking forward to this year.

There’s so many things to look forward to this year.

  1. This year I get my driver’s license, that task has been sort of putt aside a little due to the fact that I don’t own a car; but now I want my license so that I can drive  to Massachusetts where my family lives or even to drive around aimlessly. So that I won’t have to keep going around in NY C’s public transportation.
  2. I’ll finally start my sophomore year in college, – excited about school? YES I like school! I’m so excited about this because I’m taking a ASL class and I love sign language, I learned most of it already on my own from YouTube, like how to finger spell the alphabet and how to sign to some songs, It’s great to use your body as a form of expression and not always depend on your voice.  I’ll also be taking a business101 class which takes me one step closer to achieving my major.
  3. I might get to go to Dominican Republic for the first time and meet my grandmother, which is long past overdue.
  4. And last but not least, on August 3rd there’s two important events I’m looking forward to. My nieces’ birthday party in Dominican Republic (which, unfortunately, I cannot attend) and my sister’s wedding in New York (I get to be a bridesmaid:) ).

x3