Memory Lane . If only I knew what the future holds

Drafted 4 moths ago, and just writing my heart out. I felt like this often but thankfully now I can say i feel better, more in control of my life, and like God is sitting right next to me pulling me forward. I am happier than I was a few months ago, and so I am really grateful to be able to look back and see that I was so lost just a few months ago and already God has given me a hope to hold on to….

 

If only I knew what the future holds.

I wish and hope and pray  that a lot of good and fortune would come. But honestly I’m afraid.

I fear trying because I am afraid to fail. I need to remember that not trying is worse than failure.

I believe in God but for some reason I can’t walk the straight and narrow path. I fear that I’m going to die without achieving anything important, and that I will not go to heaven because I lived life selfishly, not according to God’s will and serving him.

 

How do I change my life around?

How do I enjoy being a follower of Christ?

How can I learn to put him first in everything I do?

When and how will I truly have joy in my heart, and put aside all the fears I have; which are many.

I don’t live life, I just am surviving the moments. I can’t remember the last time I truly had fun, and enjoyed myself with no worries. When I felt like everything in my life were going the right direction.

I constantly ask God for help, but is he actually helping? Is this his help and I just don’t know it, or see it, or am I pushing away his help, or is he not giving it because I’m not in the right place in life yet. I ask myself these questions but I know that I’m supposed to believe that God is always helping, because he is always in control; and even though in my mind I believe this, do I really believe it in my heart?

 

God the last thing I want to do is question you, but you have a plan for me and Idk if I ma in the right path, or if I’m leading myself astray?

It seems to me that you can easily just speak to me and tell me, yes or no, or go this way, but if I think about it, that’s not really living because it’s being foretold of which steps to take, and I probably wouldn’t like that very much either.

 

Is life about the mistakes we make, and making them better?

Are mistakes good or bad?

because if mistakes are meant to happen than that means that sin is meant to happen.

I guess that is true because we are born sinners, but following christ make us righteous right ? or are we still considered sinners?

If we sin and repent but sin again, do we go to hell? are we saved.

I don’t know what to think about, what to worry about and what to live for….

It’s all so hard God.

Lord listen to my heart and understand my cry. Help me understand how to live this life, and why I see things the way I do.

I want to be good, and holy, but I also want to be bad.

How can I be happy?

How can I be happy in a world like this. There is beauty, but there is a lot more uglyness.

The world is evil, half the time I want to avoid it, the other half I want to fix it, and a portion of the time I want to be a part of it.

 

i feel like I live on the fork on the road, always in the middle never going either direction.

Which direction is right, what will make me happy? what will help me understand and find my calling.

I believe it is God. But how?

what am i supposed to do?

what else can I do that I haven’t done already?

 

I’ve prayed, and worshiped, and asked for help, and guidance.

I’ve tried to live life according to God’s will, and tried to build a relationship and be happy, and go to church, read the bible, fellowship and serving, and trying to find my calling and purpose. what the hell else am I supposed to do. I’m tired of doing things, and not doing enough, or not getting it right, and not being happy no matter what I do.

 

I need joy, i need freedom and trust and to believe in you and in me. I need to believe that you love me and you have a purpose for me. That your love is unconditional, but is your salvation unconditional?

I know salvation comes from grace and not by our actions, but do we keep our salvation by grace or can we also loose it?

do we loose it if we sin?

do we loose it if we stop seeking you?

does the burden fall on us then or do you continue to carry it?

I don’t know you. I don’t know what you ask of me? and i don’t know how to know you and be confident of you.

idk how anymore, but i would like to i just need help.

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